Learning from the Journey Part 1

I had it all planned out! I would be a dance major, camp counselor, serve a mission, study abroad, etc.  Sometimes I think God looks down on me and says laughingly “That’s so cute you think you have it all planned out, but I have something better in store for you.”  I have learned recently that God has a plan and a purpose for each of us.  We may not understand His plan at first, but His plan is more rewarding than anything we could plan for ourselves.

I wasn’t feeling my best for a while and I knew something was up!  So at Thanksgiving when I flew home from college, I went to the doctor.  They discovered that I had hyperthyroidism which resulted in me having anxiety, loosing a lot of my hair, weight gain, being exhausted during dance class, etc.  Because it wasn’t very serious they put me on medication that would take care of the symptoms and I flew back to college after the break.

I went to get my physical so I could turn in my mission papers.  My blood work came back and I was neutropenic, meaning I had the white blood cell count of a cancer patient (caused by my hyperthyroidism).   This meant things were a little more serious.  So I was put on some thyroid medication and was scheduled to see a specialist. 

I just want to state that I did NOT have a positive attitude throughout this whole experience; I have had some low points even though I've learned some things.  It was annoying just waiting and wondering, frustrating when things didn’t work.  It was hard watching a lot of my friends get mission calls.  I was happy for them, but it also reminded me of what I wanted to do so badly but couldn’t yet. 

After leaving the endocrinologist, I was trying to soak in the new information.  As I walked in the snow, I processed that I had Graves’ disease and Graves’ ophthalmology.  Graves’ disease is an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid.  Graves’ caused my thyroid to be overactive.  Graves’ ophthalmology caused the tissue behind my eyes to be swollen so I had a staring gaze.  They could do iodine radiation treatment on my thyroid but that could make my eyes worse. So I would need surgery within the next month.

It’s hard to be alone and away from home when you get this kind of news so I had tears in my eyes.  Somehow I had gotten lost (I seem to get lost a lot!) and was about 30 minutes away from our apartment, walking distance.  Then I slipped and slid down a snowy hill.  When I got to the bottom of the hill I wanted to just sit there and cry…until I realized my phone was missing.  So I was digging through the snow and finally found my phone (which sounds funny in hindsight).

I started walking again and thought “Is going on a mission really going to be worth all this?  Am I even supposed to go on a mission? Why is this happening?  What am I supposed to learn?  First, my audition for the dance major didn’t go well, and now I need to drop out of my classes, pack, and fly home for surgery… I officially have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life right now…” 

Later, I still didn’t have the answers to these questions but I did know that I have a deeper appreciation for Jesus Christ.  I know that He suffered and died on the cross not only for my sins, but for every pain, sorrow, heartache I’ve ever felt.   I can never say “I feel so alone.  No one understands how I feel.”  Because I am not alone.  Christ knows exactly how I feel and I can turn to him for comfort.